so much going on

The other night I had to call the ambulance to have my nMother taken to the hospital.  She had been rather off all week but Sunday she was really off her nut.  I  simply did not want her dying on my watch (like I need more stress and bad nerves) so I called for an ambulance.  Turned out that she was a pretty sick littleN.
So why write here?  I am having the most difficult time even dealing with her being sick.  If she was sick when I was growing up you had to step it up even more to look after her.  (After all....no one ever could get as sick as her)  Yet wen my brothers or I was sick she would be absoultely disgusted and treat you with such disdain.
My biggest HURT that I am dealing with is the way she treated my father as he lay sick and dying.  Unable to talk or move and in such a great deal of pain he was on a morphine pump she would still yell and swear at him and literally shove him around in that bed.  He would scream out in pain.  I had to be there or my hubby did to make sure he was safe.  With nurses and doctors in and out she was the ever loving wife and after they left  she would be back to her narcissistic bitch self.  I ended up putting him in the hospital to keep him safe.  That is where he finally died.
My problems are these today......She is her demanding self thinking that she comes first and is literally bossing everyone around.  I get disgusted and sick just looking at her.  I am the only one to take care of her.  There is no one else so how the hell can I deal with this once she is back home out of the hospital????

Mired in the pits of hell

I have a disfiguring disease.  I have had it all of my life. My Nmother has the same disease.  When I look into the mirror I see her face looking back at me.  I am in no way like her other than the looks  So WHY lately have I wanted to just end it.  Say good bye to the people who mean something to me and go?
I am having a difficult time and no one around to share it with.
Right now therapy is out of the question.  $is in short supply and the one I did go see just a short while ago told me to get over it and move on. Now how is that supposed to help.  She obviously did not grow up with an N parent or spend some time with an Nboyfriend......lots of people just don't get it unless they have experience with a narcissist/psychopath

Larry and Stephanie

I have so much wanted to tell you what really happened all those years ago. (has it really been 30 years).  The memory haunts me to this day.  You were my first love, you were my true love from the very first kiss. My mother was very jealous of us and our relationship.  She was very jealous of the relationship I shared with your sister.  I really don't think she had a best friend. I will bet my life she did not have a relationship with a man like I had with you. The day she found our love letters while she snooped through my room really pissed her off.  She went and met me as I was walking home from work and literally grabbed me by my hair and yanked me like that all the way home from downtown. (fu*king b*tch) She made me (and I do feel so horribly bad to this day) break up with you.  Do you remember me crying uncontrollably? I remember when I told you we had to break up that you hit your hand on the plow in your front yard and broke your hand.  I felt even worse after that.  But the memory that haunts me most Larry is the one I could never tell you or your sister.  I was pregnant with our child and was made to go to the doctor to arrange for an abortion. You know I was so horribly abused and broken when I found Steph and you that I thought every family was like mine.  I soooooo loved being around your family and you guys because I could not believe that a family really could love each other and not beat the crap out of their kids or tell their kids on a daily basis just what a fat, stupid loser that you are.  I remember your mom and dad welcoming me into your family and how good it felt to be there. I remember when they introduced me to one of their friends and they said this is !@#$ and we borrow her to be with us.  Do you remember the time they let us have free reign in the attic and paint whatever we wanted on the walls? What about the time we all did string art with the nails and thread and they actually hung our finished work up so proudly for any one who enetered the enclosed porch to see?

FOO (Things my mother did)

I clearly remember the belt she use to use.  Razor strapping about 2 inches thick.  God only know why she called it a belt.  When she told you to go get the belt you knew it was going to be bad.  So bad that one beating my older brother and I got was so bad my grandmother was screaming and telling her she was going to kill us. It was a bad one. WHY??  Mom found out that some of her "special" dollar bills had been stolen from her.  Right away she "knew" it had to be older brother or me.  She really did beat us to within an inch or our lives. God only knows what would have happened it my grandmother did not stop her.  Here's the two real kickers to this story...I was so scared of her, tried to buy and make her things so she would love me, would lie for her if she told me to knowing that if I told the truth I would be in for another good belt, etc etc so it would be totally insane and riduculos for me to do it.
If anyone (friend wise) asked about the marks you sure as hell did not say you had the crap beat out of you.The other kicker???? My grandmother found out it was my younger brother (golden child who walks on water) that did it.  He did not get a beating and my older brother and I did not get an apology or any damn thing.  No wonder he (my older brother) is lost in a drunken, drug addicted haze God knows where. Me ???  I am still that pathetic little girl going on and still looking for something from her but at least now I know it will never materialize or apperate at some point.  But I do wish she would admit what she did, say it was horribly wrong....etc.  I have to forgive her for ME not for her so that I can move on.
When I went to school she really did not like the fact that I was often teachers pet.  She was actually jealous.  She had to inject herself in the class room  with the teacher so she could have attention on her.  I am stopping for now ...PTSD is giving me shaky nerves right now.
Will do more later

Assclown

What he did/does is wrong. Very wrong!
In my mind I know he is a loser. I know he doesn't/didn't respect me.  He certainly does not respect his wife or his family.  I often wonder why she stays..... What should concern me more however is WHY, WHY, WHY do I still think of him and love him????
I know why (only a small part) I was with him.  I was very broken.  I spent my teen (16+) years looking for love in all the wrong places.  In reality when I look back at who I was with I am lucky really to be alive.  I was with some bad ass guys.  At least one of them I was well warned from a friend to have nothing to do with him.  He was a pretty heavy drug addict.  Hmmmmm....that was a theme.  I was with a couple of druggies and I never did drugs.  I was with another loser who used me for sex so much so that my skin crawls when I think of him.

All about her/All about him

Yes i am thinking of him again for the 20th time or so today. And along with that comes pain and a lifetime of painful memories that wash over me.  They always wash over me and leave me tired and weepy.  My earliest memory of my mother was me constantly buying her things, making her things, doing her bidding all in the quest for the love she never gave or showed.  By the time I was 9 or 10 I was doing everything in the household that needed doing.  I cooked family supper every night. I did all the dishes. I did all the laundry. I did all the cleaning. I did the vaccuming. (to this day I cannot stand vacuuming but will do it. The noise is a trigger for me). Everything she should have done....I did.  I was talking to a friend the other day about this and she said yeah...you never could come out to play.  My friend did not realize just how beat my brother and I were either.  The older brother not the golden child.  You know this just tears me apart.  We would go to school and the teachers and other kids could see the belt (actually a 2" thick  piece of razor strapping) marks/bruises and nothing was ever done.  I still hurt deeply over that.  The teachers at school took me under their wings and I was teacher's pet in every grade except for a couple. That however, did nothing to stop the abuse.  My father joined in on the abuse too.  The last time he tried to give me the "belt" as it was called was when I was in my teens.  He expected me to still drop my pants and bare my ass. Well that didn't happen.  My mother was the one who really ran the show.  It was all about her....all the time. She had to control absolutely everything. In a later blog when I feel up to it I will blog about the abuses I suffered from her.
It is a viscious circle...think about him...cry...feel terrible....feel hurt.....leads me to think of her and all the abuse. No wonder I have migraines.

FOO Issues

I also plan to use this blog to blog about my narcissistic mother.  So many heartbreaking memories of that abuse too.  I know the connection between her and him with me needs to be understood.  For people wanting to know FOO stands for Family of Origin