All about her/All about him

Yes i am thinking of him again for the 20th time or so today. And along with that comes pain and a lifetime of painful memories that wash over me.  They always wash over me and leave me tired and weepy.  My earliest memory of my mother was me constantly buying her things, making her things, doing her bidding all in the quest for the love she never gave or showed.  By the time I was 9 or 10 I was doing everything in the household that needed doing.  I cooked family supper every night. I did all the dishes. I did all the laundry. I did all the cleaning. I did the vaccuming. (to this day I cannot stand vacuuming but will do it. The noise is a trigger for me). Everything she should have done....I did.  I was talking to a friend the other day about this and she said yeah...you never could come out to play.  My friend did not realize just how beat my brother and I were either.  The older brother not the golden child.  You know this just tears me apart.  We would go to school and the teachers and other kids could see the belt (actually a 2" thick  piece of razor strapping) marks/bruises and nothing was ever done.  I still hurt deeply over that.  The teachers at school took me under their wings and I was teacher's pet in every grade except for a couple. That however, did nothing to stop the abuse.  My father joined in on the abuse too.  The last time he tried to give me the "belt" as it was called was when I was in my teens.  He expected me to still drop my pants and bare my ass. Well that didn't happen.  My mother was the one who really ran the show.  It was all about her....all the time. She had to control absolutely everything. In a later blog when I feel up to it I will blog about the abuses I suffered from her.
It is a viscious circle...think about him...cry...feel terrible....feel hurt.....leads me to think of her and all the abuse. No wonder I have migraines.

FOO Issues

I also plan to use this blog to blog about my narcissistic mother.  So many heartbreaking memories of that abuse too.  I know the connection between her and him with me needs to be understood.  For people wanting to know FOO stands for Family of Origin

I'm so tired

I'm so tired. Tired of thinking of him. Tired of dreaming of him. Tired of not knowing anymore. Tired of wishing he was here.  Tired of not understanding what my "thing" with him is. Tired of being a slave to him,even when we are not in contact with each other. Tired of crying. Tired of wishing for him. Tired of wishing he was here. Tired of the memories. Tired of the damn old memories. Tired of the fantasy. Tired of crying when I know he really hasn't been around. Tired of this whole damn thing and wishing I was not thinking of him or me or what the FANTASY was all about. Tired of crying because he was stringing me along while he was stringing two other women along while he was married. Stupid assclown
I am JUST so tired