FOO (family of origin)

My FOO explains very clearly to therapists and myself, how I came to be with the N. My mother was also a card carrying certified Narcissist. She taught others how to be narcissists, that's how good at it she was. My first psych asked me why my mother never loved me after telling her (the doctor) of all the things my mother had done and still would do. A couple of women I was in a  situation with who also had N mothers could not believe the abuse and crap my mother put my older brother and I through. They said my mother made their mothers look like mother Theresa. It is New Years Eve and tonight I am still thinking of him and i am wondering hmmmmmm is he thinking of me or is he thinking of his new be....atch or just who the hell is he thinking of??
I need to find a way to get over this fool.......and SOON
It is hard to forget him when I still have to deal with my Nmother so often

today...

i woke up this morning lightly crying in my sleep because of a dream I had last night.
The person (him) had two other women he was stringing along (while he was stringing me along and I did not know it) for this last year that we spoke and emailed and played a dirty version of scrabble everynight.
ONe of the two women( for reasons I am trying to figure out) was in the dream. It's kind of sad that when we were together over 25 years ago I was so broken that even though I knew he was married I spent time with him every night for months. We never made love but we were together every night. IN my dream this other other woman was mocking me saying that he loved her more and i was stupid and basically telling me to FO because he was with her now and he really wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I do think he was in the dream too but I dont know what part he played.
what is even sadder now is i know he is a useless assclown but it breaks my heart that i was not the only one he was doing this with. I am disgusted with myself because he is still married like me now but this time I know and understand how his wife would feel and does feel but for a year I still "talked" to him and thought of him as I did twenty five years ago when I was not married.
I can't comprehend my feelings still thinking of him daily. Knowing what I know...

still mad...

or maybe still upset. Either way I am feeling sad and tired. I know what he is but wish I didn't.
What I can't believe is that he probably bad-mouthed me to his next victims. I feel so utterly broken-hearted about that. What does that say about me?? That I have loved one that was so self absorbed? I am literally sick at my stomach.
I grew up in a very abusive home. My older brother and I were beaten alot. My younger brother?
Unharmed. I was told how stupid. ugly, dumb, and fat I was. My older brother told how stupid he was. My younger brother? NOTHING negative. He was the golden child.....
he was also the one in jail three or four times. Each time but the last bailed out by mommy and daddy.
crying right now....

coincidences or not??

...now with blinders off I don't know.
There were many freaky things that happened when we were together.
The songs on the radio told our story.
We spent every last second we could together.
An old man who was sitting by us one night told us he had never seen two people more in love.
We put our initals in wet cement to show our love forever.
I was sad one night knowing that it would soon come to an end so he pulled over to the side of a very busy road and stood on his head in the gravel shoulder to make me smile.
I am having difficulty dealing with this tonight so I will return later or at some other time to continue.

i can't believe what i never realized

.....we met probably 27 years ago now
he was married and i was a very broken version of my self.
he looked at me and i looked at him and from that moment on i thought he walked on water. i don' t know (even to this day) what it was about him but i fell so completely head over heels, from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head in love with him.
I placed no one above him and he could do no wrong. We went out for a number of months and then broke it off (why I wasn't entirely sure).
We kept in contact over the years (26) off and on.
At some points more off .....than on
Even though i married and had a family i still thought of him.
He stayed married and had his family but there was still a yearning to know how each other was doing.
I called him up over a year ago now and we talked for a short time. Next thing I know I was walking out of the door to do some recycling and at that precise second he was driving by my house. I was so totally friggen hooked all over again.  I have lowered my self to do things for him that I would never never do for someone else.  I have let him treat me so utterly awful and I still love him desperately.  What in the hell is wrong with me and just what is it about him that I so need him